


Once Upon a Very Sexy Weekend

by hyesoh



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Crack, Lee Taemin is a Little Shit, M/M, Mentioned B.A.P Ensemble, Oh Sehun is a Little Shit, Originally Posted on LiveJournal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 21:40:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17394182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyesoh/pseuds/hyesoh
Summary: Wherein Jongin escapes his room because smexy-tiemz, fails to find refuge in other rooms because smexy-tiemz, and finally ends up in Zitao's unit and eventually have...smexy-tiemz. (Or if you prefer: Once upon a very sexy weekend, Jongin was the only person in EXO apartments—aside from Zitao—who wasn't having sex.)





	Once Upon a Very Sexy Weekend

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on LiveJournal on January 2015. 
> 
> **Warning:** lots of things in parentheses, pop culture references (with some alterations), and Jongin's thoughts being a mess.

Freshmen: Sehun and Jongin  
Sophomores: Kyungsoo and Zitao  
Juniors: Baekhyun, Jongdae, and Chanyeol  
Seniors: Junmyeon and Yixing  
Graduate school: Minseok, Luhan, and Yifan

Room 101: Minseok  
Room 102: Chanyeol and Kyungsoo  
Room 201: Yifan and Luhan  
Room 202: Baekhyun and Jongdae  
Room 301: Jongin and Sehun  
Room 302: Yixing  
Room 401: Junmyeon  
Room 402: Zitao

–

Strange as it may sound out of context, the problem started because Sehun ate his pudding and because Zitao was (pretending to be, it turns out) clumsier than that Wella character from that book-turned-movie that Jongin doesn't really understand, Limelight.

But mostly because Sehun ate his pudding.

“It had my name on it!” Jongin didn't wail at Sehun after he found empty pudding cups (plural!) in the trash and after Junmyeon unknowingly ratted out his boyfriend by saying that Sehun ate more dessert than vegetables the other day.

“I know.” Sehun said gravely. “Which was why I had no choice but to transfer it to my Hwindoongie cup before eating it.” He scrunched his face up in the way that brings all the noonas to the yard but only makes Jongin want to bury him alive in the backyard. “I had to eat it even if it looked weird and gross.”

“I am going to end you.” Jongin said, as calmly and as dangerously as only a hungry 19-year-old boy could. “I am going to end you and you will not respawn.”

Sehun had the temerity to roll his eyes before Jongin was upon him, wherein he immediately started to squawk like a drowning parrot to call for help.

Junmyeon, who dropped by to give Sehun his daily ration of vegetable juice, did not arrive until Jongin had Sehun in a guillotine choke.

–

Jongin thought that Junmyeon was the personification of everything good on earth. He was like week-long holidays, lenient professors, pizza, and Jollibee chickenjoy—all in a single package. It showed when he took Jongin's side in the discussion that followed Jongin's failed murder attempt.

“Why did you eat Jongin's pudding, Sehunnie?” Junmyeon asked, his sad face a terrible thing to behold for any guilty party, save perhaps for Sehun, who was 100% immune to it. (It was a face that made Jongin admit of putting pink hair dye in his roommate's shampoo.)

“I was hungry, hyung.” Sehun replied, his sad face totally ineffective. “It was the only thing in the fridge and I couldn't help myself.”

_'Lies.'_ Jongin thought viciously. Their refrigerator was filled with all sorts of healthy yucky food c/o Junmyeon. “It's imported pudding, you gluttonous fuck.” Jongin said. “My sister had to fight tooth and nail for it in a grocery store filled with crazy people.”

“Language, Jongin.” Junmyeon scolded gently, not even bothering to call him out for his obvious lie. In Jongin's defense, he was only repeating what his sister actually told him. He didn't even mention that the crazy people were armed with steel chairs. “And, if I buy you a pack of pudding to replace the one that Sehun ate, will you let this matter rest?”

Jongin nodded enthusiastically. Of course, he was planning on using this particular pudding episode to blackmail Sehun someday, but Junmyeon doesn't know that; Because Junmyeon is a flawless being whose only fault is his boyfriend...who is currently moving to straddle him and was aegyo-ing for all he's worth.

“Why are you defending him?” Sehun cried, crocodile tears shining in his eyes. “I'm your boyfriend! You're supposed to take my side even if I get caught red-handed setting fire to the Physical Science Building!”

As much as Jongin would like to be an accomplice to that plan (except the getting caught part), Sehun's logic hit him like a meteor to the nape that he stood up to retreat to his room to rest and maybe despair for humankind. It doesn't look like he's needed anymore, anyway, and he already got Junmyeon to promise to buy him pudding. Besides, he also has a Very Important Online Group Meeting in half an hour.

“You know I can always buy you as much pudding or pocky or ice-cream as you want, Sehunnie.” he heard Junmyeon, the icon of patience, understanding, and weird taste in men say.

Jongin found himself shaking his head. He really really _really_ pinky swear cross his heart doesn't understand the attraction. But he's had his suspicion that Sehun is learned in voodoo, so there's that.

“Really?” Sehun asked, most possibly pouting and using his noona-killer face.

“Really.” Junmyeon said sincerely.

There was an ominous pause that sent Jongin's spidey sense tingling and made him pivot and head towards the front door instead of his room. Rule #1: The spidey sense is always right.

“Hyung?”

“Hmm?”

“You do know what my favorite treat is, don't you?”

Jongin got out of the door just in time not to hear Junmyeon's reply.

–

Now, Jongin is acquainted with all of the residents of EXO aparments. Some were (or are) his classmates, some would give him and Sehun fresh vegetables or milk or goat cheese on occasion, c/o their loving parents from the province, and some would knock on their doors to sell them stuff for their fund-raising campaigns. (Kyungsoo's cookies were heaven-sent; They were crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and had the perfect ratio of cookie dough (71.49%) and chocolate chips. (28.51%) Chanyeol's cookies were shipped from hell; They looked like river-rocks, tasted like moldy chocolate, and had the softness of diamonds. It bothered Jongin that both cookies were baked by the same oven.)

Jongin was about to go to Kyungsoo and Chanyeol's room (because free food made by Kyungsoo, duh) when he met Yifan, the intimidating sunbae who looked like a human Angry Bird, on the stairwell. Jongin squeaked in fear when Yifan looked at him, even if the older looked zero percent intimidating with his grocery bag filled with a weird combination of items like a bottle of chocolate syrup, a bottle of vinegar, packs of instant chow mein, and a couple of large daikon radishes.

“Junmyeon came over, huh?” Yifan asked, as casual as you please, while Jongin thought along the lines of, _'HOW DOES HE KNOW KGHSKJGSDH SHIIITTT'_

“Well, I gotta get going.” Yifan said, when Jongin stayed rooted on the spot, saying nothing and looking at him like he was a deranged kidnapper. “Luhan's mom sent him a lot of raw pork liver, and I'm to help him cook and eat it before it goes bad.” And then, thoughtfully, he added, “If you want, you could come over.”

Jongin nodded immediately, using enthusiasm to disguise his fear.

Yifan sighed and started to walk away, already knowing that Jongin wouldn't go, and that Luhan would guilt-trip him into eating more of everything, ignoring his diet, skin care, and aversion to liver. “By the way,” he called out to Jongin, who was already scrambling down the stairs in his haste to get away from him. “If you're planning on taking refuge in Chanyeol and Kyungsoo's room, don't. You'll just be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.”

Jongin watched Yifan warily as the other continued his ascent. He only managed to breathe easily when he heard a door open and Luhan's easy-going, “Finally! I thought I'd be having my 100th birthday without you!”

As he started to go down the stairs, (more carefully this time) he wondered if Yifan had the ability to read minds. It was unlikely, but if he could, then Jongin hoped that Yifan wouldn't find out about him jacking off once (ONCE) to the thought of Luhan giving him a blow job. Jongin has seen what Yifan's kind did to green pigs hiding behind walls of wood, ice, and stone, and he wouldn't want to get on his bad side.

–

Yifan was right.

When he was ten steps away from Room 102, he thought that Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were probably just hanging up a painting, no big deal. Five steps away, he thought that the two were weird because it was in the middle of the semester and who the hell moves furniture this late? He could only hope that Chanyeol was the one doing most of the job because muscles.

And then, just as Jongin raised a hand to knock on the door, he heard the quieter _'ooh'_ s and _'aah'_ s and the _'Chanyeol right there'_ s alongside the really disturbing sound of something (someone?) hitting the wall and yeap.

Rule #1: The spidey sense is always right.  
If the spidey sense is busy, or is in hibernation, listen to Yifan-sunbae.  
Rule #2: Beware of cookies.

–

Jongin doesn't usually talk to Yixing.

It wasn't because the boy had a really bad habit of staring at nothing over other people's shoulders for long periods of time; (Turns out, he was just composing music in his head when he was in that state, not having staring contests with ghosts.) It was because Yixing was EXO apartment's local legit celebrity who barely has time to interact with his neighbors, and Jongin had a serious case of starstruck disease.

No matter what Sehun says, Jongin will forever and ever deny that he wrote a transcript of the longest conversation he had with Yixing in a piece of scented stationery that he kept in his Treasure Box of Awesomeness for the sake of posterity.

(Unbeknownst to the hero of our story, Sehun had already photocopied the said transcript which the boy still reads whenever he was feeling down to cheer himself up. “Sexy Kim Jongin goes out of the door in his sexy blue shirt and sexy black jeans and said sexily, _'Hey, Yixing-sunbae.'_ ” and, “ _'Hi, Jongin.'_ *insert cute dimples here squishes omg*” will never get old. Ever.)

So one can only imagine the heart-attack that Jongin almost had when he finds himself in the third floor corridor, face-to-face with Yixing. Jongin noted that the older had just locked his unit and was carrying an overnight bag. He nearly yelled, _'NOOO YIXING-SUNBAE DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THESE ANIMALS ALSO CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH,'_ which was why he surprised himself and half his dead ancestors who were betting that he'd faint on the spot by calmly asking, “Vocal practice, sunbae?”

Yixing smiled at the sight of him. (Or, for the sake of the truth and accuracy, Yixing smiles at everyone indiscriminately. It's a trend with the '91 liners. @see Kim Junmyeon) “Something like that. You?”

And Sehun, inappropriate as always, chose to moan loudly at that moment.

Jongin wanted to die from embarrassment. Yixing just said, “Ah.”

“I'm sorry.” Jongin said, bitterly thinking about how rich he'd be if he was paid a hundred thousand won every time he apologizes for something Sehun did or didn't do.

“Me too.” Yixing replied, turning apologetic himself over the sound of Sehun announcing to the world that Junmyeon's dick feels so good oh fuck yes do that again yes yes yes fuck Junmyeon-hyuuung. “I wish I could take you to vocal practice with me, but I don't think—“

“It's okay, sunbae.” Jongin assured him, feeling worse because Yixing was so kind and he felt so homeless. “I'll just try Room 202.” ...which was also known as Baekhyun and Jongdae's unit, or more aptly, _'You want to go deaf? Come right in!'_

“You can always go wait in front of Junmyeon's unit, you know.” Yixing advised. “Since he's already in your unit. Being busy.”

A moment of silence wherein both boys ignored Sehun's scandalously lewd voice cameos.

“But I don't want to look like a stalker? And I don't know when they'll be done.” Hopefully before he graduates. But that's only hopefully.

Yixing reached out to pat him on the shoulder sympathetically before a text alarm sounded and the older took out his phone. Jongin was dazedly thinking about never washing this particular shirt of his again and maybe having it framed in secret (because Sehun is a jerk) when he saw Yixing smile at the screen of his phone before shaking his head fondly.

Vocal practice, he said. Yeah, right. More like a date. Jongin strongly felt the need to have a Forever Alone shirt. Or maybe a pin. Yeah, that would be more discreet.

“Well, I should go.” Yixing said, pocketing his phone. “Can't keep people waiting.”

“Sure.” Jongin said, now feeling less starstruck and more left-out by the second. Sehun really wasn't helping. Thank goodness Junmyeon doesn't turn into a megaphone during sex. “Have fun, Yixing-sunbae.”

“Thanks, Jongin.” Yixing said, uncharacteristically chipper for someone so JPG. Maybe the girl (or boy) was hot. “See you later.”

As Jongin started to climb the stairs (after watching Yixing go, and no, it wasn't creepy shut up), he realized that the conversation that just took place officially replaces the longest conversation he had with Yixing. Of course, he was, in no way, going to put any of it down on paper.

–

More or less an hour and a half passed with Jongin still sitting in front of Junmyeon's front door. He really doesn't mind. Not really. Despite his near-frozen ass, he had been very busy thinking about things relevant to his life.

For instance, what would happen if Sehun sees a gingerbread house in the woods? (Not that he wanted Sehun to be eaten by a witch. No. He'd rather Sehun get tickled mercilessly until he died.) For which the answer is: He would dismantle the whole thing, pack the sweets, sell them, profit, and leave the witch hungry and homeless, having nothing but the clothes on her back and a vandalized welcome mat in the middle of the clearing where her house once stood, saying, "Oh Sehun was here, and you're like the worst witch ever."

Thoughts and freezing butt aside, Jongin couldn't conveniently forget that he missed his Very Important Online Group Meeting. Kyuhyun is going to tear him piece by sorry piece come Monday. He was their guild's main emperium breaker, and even with Taemin's +10 Damned Ice Pick and +10 Gigantic Double Damned Scalpel, without Jongin's super secret stat, skill, and equip build (like he's gonna tell), they would undoubtedly lose Scarlet Palace to the Best Absolute Perfect guild.

Ragnarok Online's War of Emperium is a very serious business, y'all.

“What are you doing?”

Jongin didn't jump two feet away from the sound of the voice nor did he scream like a little girl. Across the corridor, Zitao stood on the doorway of his unit with a black garbage bag in hand—a black garbage bag that, Jongin hoped, didn't have any chopped body parts inside.

“H-hi, Zitao-sunbae.” Jongin greeted, managing to actually talk without hyperventilating. Ever since getting cable TV, he has learned much from watching nature documentaries and knew how to survive by not letting predators smell your fear. “What's up?”

Zitao didn't look impressed. “What are you doing?”

If the boy was Sehun, Jongin would've just said, “Oh, you know. Just chillin' like a hobo. It's totally zen, man. You should try it sometime.” But Zitao was the newest addition to EXO apartments, having just moved in at the start of the semester, and there were a lot of scary rumors about him. Some say that he was a ninja prodigy gone rogue, while some say that he was on a top secret mission to assassinate some government official. (The scariest rumor Jongin heard of him so far was that he dresses up as Donald McRonald during Halloween.)

“Waiting for Junmyeon-sunbae?” Jongin tried. It was the truth. Ish.

Zitao remained unmoved. But, for what it's worth, Jongin didn't think the whole of Agrabah performing 'Prince Ali' could move the boy. “He went to your unit. I met him on the stairs this morning. He told me so.”

Jongin blamed his freezing (and hopefully not soon-to-be dead) butt for making him irritated enough to say, “Did he also tell you he's going to fuck Sehun in every position mentioned in the Kama Sutra and then invent some more?" (But of course, Junmyeon wouldn't. Or would he?)

How Zitao reacted to his sentence almost had Jongin questioning his own sanity. Huang Zitao, rumored rogue Chinese ninja who dresses up on occasion as a scary fast-food restaurant mascot...blushed. It was surprisingly adorable? But then the moment was gone and Zitao was back to his unblushing ninja self. “Can't you go somewhere else?”

Jongin was about to say that in front of Junmyeon's unit was the safest place in the world for him until he realized that no it wasn't because technically speaking, he's also in front of Zitao's unit and that's like the most dangerous place in the world. Except for Mordor, of course.

“Right.” Jongin said, before he turned to go, ignoring how Zitao watched him leave. Jongin also ignored how Zitao took his suspicious black garbage bag back inside with him.

–

Fortunately, Jongin wasn't fated to go deaf that day. Unfortunately, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo's "room renovation" episode wasn't the most scarring experience of his day so far.

Jongin found out the hard way that despite Yixing's angelic countenance, he was as cunning as a Slytherin. There was a single reason why he said he didn't want to keep _people_ waiting and why he prevented Jongin from seeking refuge in _Baekhyun and Jongdae_ 's room. The vocal practice excuse, though not a lie, is a misleading shenanigan in its purest form.

Bravo. Vocal practice indeed. No wonder Yixing didn't have a problem with Sehun's loudness.

–

Room 201 was worse.

He would rather have seen Yifan in a frilly pink apron that said, 'I'm so hot~ (nan neomu yeppeoyo)' Truly, he would rather have seen Luhan cheering as Manchester United wins against Chelsea 100-0. At least he could say he was having a nightmare.

But this. This. _This._ If Jongin picked three letters to summarize his day so far, he would choose between TMI, GDI, or FML.

Maybe it was his fault that he had knocked frantically and screamed while he was at it, but it wasn't his fault that he was traumatized by the threesome next door's screamo match, nor was it his fault that both tenants answered the door, clad only in towels around their waist. And Jongin didn't see Yifan's concerned face, nor Luhan's worried one. What he saw instead were traces of chocolate syrup on Yifan's lower body, hickeys and claw marks that looked like they were made by vicious animals all over Yifan's arms and torso, and what looked like the beginning of bruises on Luhan's sides.

He yelled in their faces and ran away.

–

Jongin collapsed like a damsel in distress in front of Minseok's unit.

His last hope. His only sensible sunbae.

The note on his door told whoever bothered to read it that he had gone to some godforsaken (No, he didn't say that. Jongin just added it.) science lab for the weekend to collect his research results. The P.S. warned Jongdae and Luhan to stop picking the lock on his door to steal his food supply. (Underneath that was a different handwriting that said, "Soya milk sucks, sunbae. Please buy full-cream milk next time. - Jongdae")

–

Somebody (Jongin can't remember who, but the person was morbid and fond of dark humor so it must be Taemin) once asked him how he wanted to die. At that time, Jongin said that wants to be as ancient as Moses and dying of old age. He would be surrounded by his loving family who would weep because no one would ever be as awesome as he had been. On his dying breath, he would say something that would be quoted for eternity as the best last words ever. Someone (Taemin) told him he was delusional.

Jongin never would have wanted to die via the hands of an assassin. (Even if his death would look cool and there would be a lot of fantastic but unexplainable explosions in the background.) No way. Violent deaths hurt and he might come back as an angry (but hot) ghost.

Which brings us to him standing in front of Zitao's unit. Hopefully, he wasn't interrupting a very important session involving a dead man, a butcher's knife, and black garbage bags. When the door opened and he saw Zitao dressed (but not in a ninja outfit) and not covered in blood, he almost sagged in relief. Maybe Zitao noticed the change in his expression and prompted his next words.

"Do you want to come in?"

If the boy had asked this of him earlier, Jongin would have sincerely asked if he was sarcastic. But right now, he was too physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually exhausted so he simply nodded and entered when Zitao opened the door wider.

To say that Jongin was floored at the sight of the very normal living room would be an insult to the adjective. Oh no. He was more than that. He was floored in a place with fifty-times Earth's gravity. Like in Dragonbells C.

He had half-expected to find crossed double-axes mounted on the wall, an operating table, and an electric chair. (Failing that, a stolen park bench in the middle of the room with a life-sized Donald McRonald statue sitting on it would do just fine.) Instead he finds normal furniture, some open books and notebooks on the coffee table, and scattered panda plushies in place of throw pillows. The radio was on and it was playing a Chinese rap song.

He didn't realize he asked, "Are you really an assassin?" out loud until Zitao tilted his head curiously and asked, "A what?"

Jongin froze and waited for the kunais and shurikens to make him a (sexy) pincushion. Nothing.

"Am I really a what?" Zitao asked again, neither looking angry nor murderous.

"An um...a nice guy?" Jongin tried, lying badly. "I mean, it was kind of you to let me in." He didn't mention how hospitable Zitao was on their earlier encounter today.

Zitao fidgeted and did his blushing thing again. NO JONGIN DOES NOT FIND THIS CUTE. "I'm sorry if I shoo-ed you away earlier. I was busy and I was surprised and a bit wary to find you just outside my unit. You looked really suspicious."

Jongin was actually the suspicious guy in Zitao's eyes. Wow. "Sorry about that. But erm, you know." He gestured to the floor, which right now meant, _'Junmyeon and Sehun are fucking below us.'_

"If you want to talk about it," Zitao said hesitantly. "I could listen to you. I'm still learning the local language though, so please use simple words."

Why Zitao thought that he wanted to talk about Junmyeon and Sehun fucking, Jongin didn't know; but maybe Zitao was talking about his day in general, so he guessed it was okay to vent a little. But simple words, what even.

Jongin tried to imagine an unfortunate five-year-old Freaking Friday-ed into Huang Zitao and that he, Jongin, was an idol currently on Hi Baby. No bad words. No scary things. No explicit explanation about the birds and the bees. Minimal talk about violence. "Junmyeon-sunbae and Sehun are bunnies." he tried.

Zitao pressed his lips together and furrowed his eyebrows. Nonetheless, he remained silent and didn't ask what bunnies are or what bunnies implied. Jongin took this as a sign that his words were simple enough.

Goddamn he was good at this.

"Kyungsoo-sunbae and Chanyeol-sunbae are wrestling fans." he said carefully. "Baekhyun-sunbae, Jongdae-sunbae, and Yixing-sunbae are having voice lessons. Luhan-sunbae is a hundred years old and is part-monster. Yifan-sunbae can crush walnuts with his bare hands. Minseok-sunbae left to go to this science-y place to do science things."

Zitao nodded solemnly as if he understood, but Jongin can tell that aside from the names of the residents, he was pretty much lost. No matter. (Zitao understood all the words. He was also pretty sure that, had Jongin not tried to explain it so simply, he would have understood better.)

"This is Sehun's fault." he told Zitao. "Sehun ate my pudding."

(Zitao had basically given up trying to understand how Jongin's mind works.) "I have some pudding, if you want?"

Jongin's spidey sense started to ring alarm bells to the tune of the theme song from Jaws. Alas, Jongin's stomach screaming, _'But pudding!'_ overruled everything.

"If it's okay."

"Of course it is." Zitao said, smiling in a non-creepy manner that threw Jongin off his suspicion about Zitao's shady mission of shadiness. "I wouldn't have offered if it wasn't."

\--

So, while Zitao went to get his pudding, Jongin fiddled with his thumbs and started to seriously wonder if he was just being paranoid or if he was missing something important. He felt like he was.

And then, he saw it. The black garbage bag he'd seen earlier. It was stashed just under the coffee table, and to be quite honest, Jongin was curioser than Alice any given day. For approximately two seconds, he tried thinking about the time he found fur-lined handcuffs under Sehun's mattress just to talk himself out of trying to see what was inside the garbage bag but...

He nudged it with his foot and hypothesized that they were just filled with normal trash like empty boxes of choco-pie or empty water bottles when something fell out that didn't look like anything a man (who isn't Sehun) would own.

A black cat ears headband. Jongin boggled and tried to think of anything, _anything,_ to explain why Zitao would have something like that. Maybe he cosplays. Maybe someone gave it to him as a prank. Maybe he has to go undercover as a cat.

Jongin nudged the trash bag again. Nothing fell out, but half of a black cat's tail dropped out. Jongin was 99.9% sure a butt plug was attached to it.

So.

"I'm sorry I took so long." Zitao said as he reappeared on the doorway to the living room, an open pudding cup in his hands. "I was thinking about which flavor to give you and I just went for the vanilla one because--" His eyes fell on the headband and panic filled his face. "I wasn't--I didn't--I'm not--"

The next few things happened in quick succession. One moment, Zitao was halfway across the room and Jongin was sitting on the couch, both at a loss of how to salvage the awkward situation. The next, Zitao had positively jumped and ran and tried to hide what Jongin had already seen, chanting _'oh my god'_ s and _'I'm sorry'_ s and _'I should've thrown this out earlier.'_

In Zitao's haste to recover his pride, he had spilled half of the pudding he was carrying on Jongin's pants. Or, more specifically, on the crotch area of his jeans. Jongin had yelped and started to take off his jeans because holy Antarctica, but somehow that made everything worse because Zitao saw the mess he made and started to actually started to help Jongin remove his pants.

The worst part of everything was Jongin's dick being a traitorous body part that secretly gets turned on by ninjas harboring sex toys. The second worst part of everything was Zitao widening his eyes and (un)consciously licking his lips when he noticed Jongin's traitor of a dick.

It was probably a bad idea when Jongin moaned and said, "Oh my god."

(In his defense, it was a moan of despair and humiliation.)

(Really.)

Zitao couldn't look away from the tent forming on Jongin's briefs. "I--"

"I am truly very sorry and I will leave now before--ah!" THERE WAS A HAND OTHER THAN HIS FONDLING HIS CLOTHED PENIS WHAT IS HAPPENING "Sunbae, what--?"

"It's okay." Zitao said. He looked like he was in a trance when he gently pushed Jongin back on the couch. "Let me take care of you."

Jongin wailed internally because that was so straight out of a porn video and he is being proven to be very much mistaken when he thought himself to be above getting turned on by cliché porn lines. (Taemin is going to laugh so hard at him, he'll break something and remain bedridden for eternity. Jongin is sure of it.) “Sunbae no sunbae are you a nymphomaniac ninja oh my god this is more awkward than than those badly drawn Evan Jellion yaoi mangas I caught Sehun reading—“

Zitao blinked at him from between his legs, eyes too wide and innocent to belong to a grown man kneeling in front of another grown man's crotch. “Is it no good?” he asked, anxiety coloring his tone, and dammit Jongin's dick should really know better than to turn harder.

“Well...” He remembers Sehun almost biting his dick off that one time they tried to have sex because Junmyeon wanted to have a threesome, but mostly wanted to see Sehun get fucked by Jongin. “No,” because Sehun really is his worst lay ever, never mind that Junmyeon made up for it by fucking him to oblivion. “But—“

“Thank goodness.” Zitao said, relieved as you please, before grabbing the cat ears and the cat tail (It really had a butt plug attached to it, holy shite.) and put the cat ears on. “Let me be your cat for today?” Jongin choked on air, and Zitao hurriedly added, “Or if you want, I can wear the apron or the maid costume here that Qian-jie gave me? I was about to throw them out but—”

Jongin's dick twitched interestedly from the confines of his briefs, and unfortunately, Zitao noticed. And took it to mean a _'fuck yes.'_

–

“So you got laid.” Taemin summarized blandly Monday afternoon, after Kyuhyun threatened to hack Jongin's account and sell everything he holds dear at Prontera's market for one zeny each, and after Jongin appeased the boy by letting him kill his most badass character in PvP for half an hour without fighting back.

“ _Everyone_ in EXO apartments got laid.” Jongin said. Even Minseok, who wasn't exactly in EXO apartments that weekend. The upperclassman came back limping, and Jongin was ready to bet his sore dick that Minseok didn't get hit by an arrow in the knee to cause his walking problem.

Taemin whistled. “Maybe I should move out of SHINEE apartments and room with Junmyeon instead? Jonghyun said he's really nice. Like, nice enough to buy you real food if he notices you're living off on instant noodles.”

“Oh, he is. He's so nice, he'll treat you whether or not you pass the exam he helped you study for. As congratulations if you pass, and as an it's-not-the-end-of-the-world if you fail.” Jongin confirmed. “It's the boyfriend you have to look out for.”

“I'm _sure_ you'll save me if Sehun decides to think that I'm a threat.”

Jongin shrugged unapologetically. “I'm pretty sure I'll just be there to film the whole thing instead of pulling his hands out of your torn stomach. I might even help and hand him sharp objects.”

Taemin, the bastard, laughs at his face instead of wincing or shuddering, like a normal human being would. “Now you're learning how to make funny jokes.”

Jongin decides that he needs to find a normal friend with a normal sense of humor.

–

Jongin just finished telling Sehun what happened after his abrupt exit from their room that weekend, (Partly to guilt-trip him and partly to brag.) and his roommate was eyeing him like he was a particularly slow-witted five-year-old.

“What?” Jongin asked irritably, when more than ten seconds passed and Sehun still hasn't said anything. “Are you judging me like the judgmental person that you are?”

Sehun bitchfaced at him and sipped his cup of sugar-water with a dash of tea. “I'm always judging you. But I think you should know,” he said slowly, in the annoying way he does, when he knows something Jongin doesn't. “Zitao-sunbae isn't clumsy. He started learning martial arts before the age of ten or something. Grace comes naturally to him as it does to us dancers.”

“He _what_?”

Sehun shrugged, unconcerned. “He acted like that to make you notice him as something else other than a serial killer. He has a huge stalker-crush on you, man.” And then, noticing Jongin's possibly thunderous face, Sehun shot him a shit-eating grin. “Oooh, are you going to punish him?”

Jongin was seriously considering telling Junmyeon that Sehun jacks off to hardcore BDSM.

–

“But,” Zitao panted against the bathroom wall as Jongin thrusted into him roughly. His swimming trunks were long discarded on the floor, while Jongin's was pushed down only until his mid-thighs. “Sehun was the—ah! The one who told me you were into roleplay?”

Jongin cursed, partly because Oh Motherfucking Sehun, and partly because Zitao just rolled his hips and clenched around him.

–

Sehun may or may not have walked with an impressive limp for a week after a little (sexy) bird told Junmyeon about his supposed obsession with BDSM. Of course, after that, Sehun never touched any of Jongin's food ever again.

And they all lived happily ever after. (Well, except for those who lived in the buildings adjacent to EXO apartments.)


End file.
